Last weekend, I started reading The Body Keeps the Score by Bessel van der Kolk. I’m about 75% done, which is saying a lot. I’m not in my reading era, and this is not an easy read. I suppose if you haven’t experienced much trauma (or you’ve healed from it), or if you’re more familiar with the mental health field, it may be quicker to digest.

It is taking a lot out of me. It’s heavy. I have underlined a lot. There are so many incredible insights and truths. There are some stories so tough to read that I have to skim very quickly. And there have been a few sections that I have just sobbed. Statements that have resonated so deeply in my soul.

This book has sat on my shelf for years, collecting dust. I wish I had read it sooner, but maybe I wasn’t ready for it.

It has also motivated me to find a new therapist. I’m still on a waitlist for my counselor from a couple years ago, but I’m feeling the urgency to find a safe space to digest some of what I’m learning about myself and my past.

If I can be honest, I did not expect finding a therapist would be this difficult.

I have reached out to almost a dozen places in the last week, and have not had much success. I have a couple obstacles (like insurance and availability), but I did not anticipate it would be this hard.

One place told me to check back in two weeks. (One more thing to track. Also, I hope I find someone before then.)

Another said that only one clinician does the type of therapy I’m looking for, and he doesn’t see patients. (Why is it advertised then?)

Every place that has called me back has given me one option, during one weekly time slot in the middle of the workday. (I was going to try tying it in to my lunch break, but I’m guessing I’m not going to want to go straight back to work after a session.)

One thing they all have in common so far – the only providers who have an opening are associate therapists who just graduated or have been practicing less than a year or two. (No offense to the associates out there, but is it wrong to want someone a little more seasoned?)

Why don’t the therapists with the expertise, training, life experience, and clinical background actually see patients? The licensed clinicians just oversee the associates?

Am I asking for too much?

I need help; I know that. I just wish it wasn’t so frustratingly impossible to find it.

“Being able to feel safe with other people is probably the single most important aspect of mental health; safe connections are fundamental to meaningful and satisfying lives.”

“It is an enormous challenge to find safe places to express the pain of trauma… Finding a responsive community in which to tell your truth makes recovery possible.”

– Bessel van der Kolk

Am I oversharing? Probably. But I am writing to you in hopes of sparking a bit of courage. Where are you in your journey toward health and wholeness? Do you need help? Do you need therapy? Do you need to take a step toward something?

I pray you find what you need, that you get the help you want and deserve.

You’re not alone.

Keep going.

Find your safe places.

❤️