To any reading this who are victims, to those who have faced impossible circumstances and devastating trials: I just want to say how proud I am of you.

You are so brave.

You did whatever you could to survive.

What happened to you is not okay.

That friend should not have betrayed you. That family member should not have judged you. That loved one should not have abandoned you. That pastor should not have manipulated you. That boss should not have lied about you. That leader should not have silenced you. That Christian should not have shunned you. That man should not have forced himself on you.

That __________ should not have __________.

I’m sorry no one was there to stop them.

I’m sorry if accountability never came.

I admire your courage.

After being forced to stumble around in the darkness, you’re trying to navigate the aftermath, trying to make sense of this new reality.

Maybe you feel stuck because they tried to trap you. Isolated because they insulted you, then left you. Confused because this wasn’t supposed to happen (again).

Keep going.

What they did to you is not okay.

You’re not alone in your pain.

You deserved better. (And you still do.)

Keep rising up out of those ashes.

Keep choosing joy in the face of sadness. (Hear me: feel your emotions! It’s okay to be sad, but remember to look for those pockets of happiness.)

Remember to rest, to practice the pause. Selah.

You are more than what happened to you. And you are worthy of so much more.

Keep walking out your freedom.

Keep living and loving and breathing.

You are so brave.

And I am so proud of you.

❤️

To the aggressors:

You underestimated her.

You thought little of her, assumed that she was quiet and compliant, nothing more than a loyal (blind) follower.

You didn’t realize that God wired her with a passion for details, justice, and truth.

You didn’t know that her mother raised her to stand her ground and speak up.

You didn’t understand that years of advocating for others made her desperate for answers.

You didn’t think she’d rock the boat (by asking questions).

You mistook her biting her tongue for ignorance. (She was also taught manners, but she was far from ignorant.)

Silence is not agreement. That’s only true in a culture of bullying and belittling, where the man in power gets the last word (and every word before that).

She is not a problem to be solved. She is not a situation to be dealt with. She is not an offended person to be silenced. She is not a misfit or lost soul that needs to be sent away.

She is a human being, a woman, a daughter, a wife, a mother, a friend.

And she is free.

Your chains aren’t holding her anymore.

❤️

There are victims, and there are aggressors. And there are some who stay on the good side of the aggressors – let’s call them pre-victims. They keep following and supporting the aggressor. The victim can’t fathom how this possible. How can their friends continue to be loyal to those who hurt them?

Maybe because the pre-victims don’t know any better. Even if they were to hear about it, they haven’t seen it firsthand. They can’t imagine that this person in the spotlight has done anything wrong. Experiencing the aggressor’s wrath changes things, and you can’t un-feel it. So until you feel it, you just don’t know.

Ultimately, the aggressors control the narrative, shielding the innocent pre-victims from seeing the full truth of what really happened to the victims. Instead of someone pausing long enough to turn and pursue the long line of exiles, the aggressors turn the page to a chapter and focus on the future. The victims are cut from the story, alone in their silence. And the pre-victims are one step closer to their role changing (likely not for the better).

Disclaimer: This blog is a compilation of experiences over decades and is not directed at any one person or specific event. It’s filled with fiction and nonfiction, hypotheticals and hard truths. Trauma is complex, as is healing. Safe spaces need to be carved out for those who have been silenced: voices heard, stories told, truth amplified.