“The Secrets of Hillsong” + “Shiny Happy People: Duggar Family Secrets”… Wow. Two documentaries that have more in common than you think. So many secrets; so much shame. Have you watched them yet? What are your thoughts? I avoided both of them at first, but afterward I was honestly glad I watched them. Hear me: I was furious with the pastors, leaders, and religious systems, but I was so proud of those who were brave and told their stories.

In one of her Bible studies, Beth Moore said “The Theology of Secrecy is that secrets manifest” (Mark 4:22). Secrets don’t stay hidden forever. Whether they’re good or bad, they will be exposed.

As I’ve been reflecting and processing, I’ve come to the realization that people who have endured hard things might be more open to the truth. Trauma survivors and victims of abuse don’t necessarily need a lot of convincing to believe the stories being told by other survivors and victims. They’ve seen it. They know it. They get it.

If you haven’t been through similar circumstances, you may be less understanding and choose to ignore hearing stories like these. You’re probably less triggered than the rest of us, but also unaware of what those around you are facing. Your loyalty is steadfast, but it might might be blinding you to the pain others have experienced.

These are incredibly difficult documentaries to watch and even harder conversations to have, but I want to challenge you, if it’s safe for you: watch and listen to the stories of the victims. Hear their truths. Amplify their voices. Spiritual abuse victims should never have to suffer alone in silence. Secrets will be exposed and accountability should be demanded from those in power. But shame also needs to be graciously removed from the survivors.

Carl Lentz referenced a “pattern of secrecy” and the “deep shame” that followed. As a child, I was burdened by something that created a pattern of secrecy, overwhelmed me with deep shame, and ultimately changed the trajectory of my life. Over the past couple years, I’ve been unpacking the trauma and shame and learning to heal the brokenness. I’m so thankful for Nate Postlethwait’s course on Healing the Younger You. Having language for what I’ve gone through (and am going through) has been life-changing. And documentaries that share truth from the victims’ perspectives help me understand my situation even more.

As a Christian woman who has spent half of my life in the church, I believe we (women) are sometimes conditioned to blindly submit to men who have often elevated themselves to senior leadership. When I read the Bible and I catch glimpses of God’s shepherd heart and Jesus’s humble ways, I see what a pastor should resemble. I know here on this earth that people aren’t perfect, but pastors are called to a higher standard. They gently lead those who have young. They set examples of rest and kindness. They leave the 99 to pursue the 1. They protect, and they care. So there’s a real struggle for me when pastors fall short in their shepherding.

But there’s another war waging inside my soul: I wasn’t raised to be a quiet, compliant woman. And I believe I’m wired to speak out against injustice and to advocate for others. This doesn’t sit well with male leaders who think I should sit back and be silent; I’m not supposed to rock the boat.

Spiritual abuse is real; it’s also taboo. You can’t always talk about it because you’ll be accused of gossip, but silence only perpetuates the cycle of the abuse. Truth is covered up by layers of shame and manipulation. Freedom is hard to find, and it comes at a cost.

As a victim of spiritual abuse, it is difficult to heal when everyone involved believes that you’re the problem. When you’re the one who has to leave, you’re also the one who gets the blame. The leader who gets to stay controls the narrative.

This happened to my family at the beginning of the pandemic. We were isolated because of COVID-19, there were questions and disagreements, and we were forced to leave the church. In their eyes, I was the problem, and I had to go.

What do you do when your voice is silenced, when your truth is hidden? When you’re left to pick up the shattered pieces of your life, unprotected and overlooked? When the people who are supposed to help you are the ones who actually harm you?

“I believe strongly that victims should always be protected. Victims should always be cared for.”

– Jill Duggar Dillard

1000% yes.

What we really need is care. What we really need is safe space for our stories to be shared without judgment. For secrets to be brought into the light. For the cycles of spiritual abuse to be stopped. We need freedom from religious burdens. We need pastors who shepherd like Jesus. We need shame to loosen its grip.

For all the spiritual abuse survivors out there, please know: you’re not alone. God loves the church, but He doesn’t love what happened to you. Keep your eyes fixed on Jesus. Rest. Give thanks for your daily blessings. Find joy in the small details. Believe that you are dearly loved.