“Familiarity breeds contempt.”

The pain is recognizable. The parallels are shocking. The red flags became clearer much quicker this time. It’s hard not to filter this experience through the previous one.

There must be more to learn here.

“Familiarity breeds contempt.”

But maybe there’s another way forward this time. Maybe the familiarity can instead spark a change.

My soul knows the worth of story. My heart is motivated by truth. My goal is to shed light in dark places.

In both cases, I tried to take the higher road. In both cases, while working with my faith-based therapists, I resigned. I stepped away. I took a break. I tried to process. I attempted to pursue healing.

In both cases, I was labeled the problem.

And in both cases, my husband lost his job.

Instead of running to the brokenness, my leaders, my pastors, deepened the cuts and widened the gaps. They turned a deaf ear and a blind eye; they ignored me and my family. They burned the bridges, all in the name of the Lord.

Even when you move your family across the country (twice) to join the work of God, to go all in… those who once welcomed you in and made space for you at the table… all at once they shut you out and call you an enemy.

You’ve become an inconvenience – a voice that must be stopped at all costs. You’re no longer useful; you’re dispensable.

Protecting reputation is more valuable than relationship or restoration. Influence on the innocent is more important than stopping long enough to truly listen to the cries of the victims.

The local church, the place we once called home, is no longer a safe and welcoming space.

If you don’t conform, if you don’t submit, if you don’t keep quiet – then you have to leave.

How is this still happening?

How do we break the cycles of spiritual abuse and shaming in the local church?

How do we stop shepherds from spinning stories to the ninety-nine who stayed about the one who left? How do we help the one who felt forced to leave the flock, the one who wasn’t pursued in love?

How does the one in power avoid acknowledgement, accountability, and apology? How do they continue to hurt the ones that try to stand for integrity?

How does all of this compare to what would Jesus do? To how Jesus would respond? How would Jesus treat the religious leaders, and how would He care for the oppressed outcasts?

Truth or lies.

Stand or hide.

Love or Ambition.

Shepherd or Selfish.

Authenticity or Facades.

Light or darkness.

Forgiveness or Blaming.

I chose forgiveness, which cut the tether to the burden I’d been dragging around. But I haven’t forgotten what happened to me then, and what continued to happen to my family as a result. Forgiveness brought a freedom and a lightness, but there’s also a multi-layered pain that comes with remembering. This isn’t a celebratory freedom; not until there’s change. Not until the confusion is confronted, and safe space is given for truth and healing.

I sought out freedom, justice, closure… But how can I get there without accountability and apology from the other side? Why do spiritual leaders get to compartmentalize and bury the harm they’ve caused and move forward with their lives – pretending they did nothing wrong? Why do we have to pay the price – the financial stress, sleepless nights, lies being told about us, becoming the scapegoat, explaining to our four children that once again we have to move on, lost friendships, not having the opportunity for proper goodbyes?

We’re not the first to be hurt by the church. But our hearts’ cry is that someday, somehow, there will be a different outcome when systems and dysfunction are opposed. Especially in churches, especially among Christians.

To our former church family, to the ones who have truly cared: there are no words to fully express our gratitude for your support and encouragement. Your arms were open wide, your smiles pure, and your hearts honest. We will miss you dearly, and pray that our relationships can continue past the four walls of the church.

January is Spiritual Abuse Awareness Month. As I shared in my previous blog, here are some resources that have helped me on my journey:

• Something’s Not Right by Wade Mullen
• When Narcissism Comes to Church by Chuck DeGroat
• Faith That Hurts, Faith That Heals by Stephen Arterburn & Jack Felton
• The Subtle Power of Spiritual Abuse by David Johnson & Jeff VanVonderen
• I Guess I Haven’t Learned That Yet by Shauna Niequist

P.S. Check out Jon’s newest cover on YouTube, Worthy of My Song!