Last Friday was a really tough day for me. So that night, I camped out in my room and pulled out my Bible and a fresh Bible study.

It was the Habakkuk Study, Even If, from The Daily Grace Co. To help prepare, I wrote out the entire book of Habakkuk into a tiny journal my friend Sarah gave me.

I highlighted Habakkuk 2:1: “I will climb up to my watchtower and stand at my guardpost. There I will wait to see what the Lord says and how He will answer my complaint.”

After a rough night of sleep, I woke up in the morning to my daily email from Christine Caine. The theme for the day? “Stay at your post.”

God was calling me to wait and see. To stay and watch. To stand and look.

As I worked through more of the Bible study, I reflected on Habakkuk 3:17-18 and penned these words…

In scarcity and lack, in failed blooms and barren lands, in premature endings and broken hearts, I will bring worship and praise. Your worthy-ness doesn’t depend on my circumstances. I can rejoice in You even when I don’t feel like I can. Joy is found in You, my Faithful Rescuer!

Hope.

But despair was not far behind.

Later that day, on the very next page of my journal:

Dark overtakes light

Lies swallow up truth

Pain steals joy

Shame buries worth

Struggle overwhelms peace

Anger strangles love

Death threatens life

Sickness mocks health

Fear hides faith

It’s hard to sit with hope and sorrow. Difficult, but necessary.

In moments like these I pray for God to help, to do what only He can do.

Sunday comes, and with it, an answer… but not one that was part of my plan, let alone on my radar. An explanation for a sore throat, and nine more days of this bittersweet thing called isolation.

(They don’t tell you how lonely it is. Or maybe they do, and I didn’t listen. I’m realizing now that it can be hard to hear about COVID / isolation if you haven’t dealt with it personally. And there’s a big difference between quarantine and isolate. I’m also pretty sure they should add depression to the symptom list.)

At this point my thoughts are drowning out any semblance of truth as my inner critic goes to town. In isolation, there’s far too much time to think about how overwhelmingly lonely this way of life is. As a human attempting to practice self-compassion, I won’t share all those thoughts here now. But I did end that journal entry with this: “Hang on. Keep going. Breathe. Stay at your post.”

So I’ve been at my post… resting, reading, sleeping, reflecting, writing, working, worshiping, praying… trying to stay positive, drinking all the water, missing my family, finishing a diamond art set I’ve been working on for almost 10 months, daydreaming of the beach, planning future Cricut projects, enjoying the quiet, going a little stir-crazy… Did I mention no TV, no coffee, no sugar? Not sure what I was thinking there. Some cleaning and organizing may commence tomorrow… we shall see what the day brings!

Thankfully my symptoms have been mild, and I’m grateful to be in my home recovering. Life and breath feel more precious now. Pray for my husband, as he has taken on all of my cooking and cleaning tasks, caring for our four children, and sleeping in the living room. And pray for my kids, who miss me and don’t understand why they can’t hug me.

I’m praying for you, dear reader, for comfort and courage and rest. For God to meet you right where you’re at. You’re never alone, and you are incredibly loved.

💗

Along with continuing to write out a Bible verse and ten things I’m grateful for every day, I’ve been reading my daily Bible plan and slowly working through these books:

• Try Softer by Aundi Kolber
• You Are Enough by Jonathan Puddle
• Life of the Beloved by Henri Nouwen
• Atlas of the Heart by Brené Brown

Also, these songs have most definitely been on repeat:

• Joy of the Lord by Maverick City Music
• Sparrows And Lilies by Pat Barrett
• Sparrows by Cory Asbury (covered by Jon Wright)
• There’s A Hope by Hollyn & Chris McClarney