Just because my trauma looks different than yours, doesn’t mean it’s not real.

I might be opening a can of worms… but I think it might be necessary.

I’ve been toting around some heavy emotional baggage for decades. Various forms of abuse, even if small and spread out, were compounded throughout my childhood and beyond, and I’ve never really taken the time and energy to process them. To see how the trauma and triggers affect me and my relationships today.

A few days ago, I believe God graciously gave me insight and discernment into some of what’s buried deep within the walls of my soul, and how some of it got there. He showed me a piece of the puzzle that connects all the pain and struggle. And now I’m at the stage of trying to figure out how to unpack it all, how to process it all in a way that is both healthy and healing.

And also, I’m trying to figure out how to share it with you, to encourage you and to help you find your voice in the midst of your story.

It would be easier to shove all the worms back in the can and walk away. But I’ve seen too much. I’ve felt too much. And I’ve avoided the pain for long enough.

It’s time. I’m tired. And I’m ready.

I miss my counselor in Pennsylvania. We were on the verge of some major breakthroughs, but I’m forever grateful for the time I had with her. I wouldn’t be where I am today if it wasn’t for her. (This is one of the hardest parts of moving! We have found some incredible doctors and therapists in every place we’ve lived, and it is always hard to say goodbye and find a replacement.)

So while I search for a new local counselor, I’ve ordered a couple books to help me dive deeper into some of the issues (see below).

I’ve spent the majority of the last 35 years hating my body. Hating all the ways I’ve sinned using it, hating all the ways I’ve been sinned against through it. I’ve been filtering so much though my negative experiences with various abuse.

I’m ready to live grateful for this vessel God has given me, this body that He created and knit together, this clay that has been marred that He is carefully reshaping and reforming as seems best to HIM. (Jeremiah 18:4 has been heavy on my heart; I highlighted it in a past blog, Mercy is His Specialty.)

I know this probably seems like a vague post, but it’s what I have for now. I hope to share more with you in the coming weeks and months. Heart work is hard work, and this chapter in particular is long overdue.

I’m still at the beginning of this journey, but for any that can relate at any level, here are a few Scriptures I’ll be studying and some resources I’ll be using along the way…

• Psalm 139, 1 Corinthians 6:19-20, Jeremiah 18:1-4
• “Self-Reflection”, a guest blog from Elisa Morgan by Christine Virgin
• Breaking Free from Body Shame by Jess Connolly
• The Body Keeps the Score by Bessel van der Kolk, M.D.
• What Happened to You? by Oprah Winfrey and Bruce D. Perry, M.D., Ph.D.
• The Drama of the Gifted Child by Alice Miller
• How Did I Get Here? by Christine Caine
• All the Feels for Teens by Elizabeth Laing Thompson