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If I pause long enough to listen, I discover that my heart aches to belong. I also find that bitterness threatens to fill the space.

Sometimes it seems like I’m on the outside looking in, observing all the seasons and places where we used to belong. It’s bittersweet, and it reminds me of the Israelites post-Egypt. Remembering the good, longing to belong again.

Feeling like a misfit, I’m wandering in the wilderness… wondering where we’re welcome, unable to find a place to plant, without a clear space to call home.

If I’m honest, bitterness and belonging have been a lifelong struggle for me.

Perhaps that confession helps explain my old destructive coping mechanisms, and why I was suicidal as a teen. Before giving my life to Jesus, I rarely felt like I belonged, like I was needed or wanted or chosen. Maybe this is why I tried to find my worth everywhere but within. Maybe this is why, for a time, I gave up trying to be good, because it didn’t seem to matter anyway. Good grades, good reputation, following the rules – it didn’t make me belong. It gave the appearance and illusion, but not the feeling or reality. I was still an outcast. People I loved either left me or left me out.

This quote recently circled through my mind: “I don’t belong here. I don’t belong anywhere.” I had to google it to find out who said it. I was hoping for some deep and meaningful context.

Nope. It was Buddy. Buddy the Elf. I know it’s April, nowhere near Christmastime, but his words felt all too familiar. I was also reminded of Rudolph… he didn’t fit in with his family or friends; he was different. He didn’t even belong on the Island of Misfits.

I know I struggle when I’m left out, betrayed, abandoned, uninvited… I hate feeling like I don’t belong. Especially when I used to belong.

I want a seat at the table. But I don’t know which table. And I don’t know where.

The unknown becomes an avalanche of unanswered questions that begin to overwhelm.

Is there space for us here? Is there a place for us anywhere?

If we can’t find community to belong to, do we create it? Or do we keep searching for it?

Is it worth the risk and the effort to completely start over (again)?

What if we move and we’re wrong? Or what if we move and we belong?

Will it always be temporary?

Does this pattern of uprooting and transplanting help us keep our focus heavenward? Does it prevent us from settling and getting comfortable?

Does it help us grow? Or does it keep us bitter?

I know I belong to God and I am forever grateful for His love and companionship. And I am so thankful for my family, that I belong to my husband and my kids.

But I’ve tasted and seen belonging on a larger scale, on more than one occasion, within the body of Christ. And I miss it. I remember how sweet and beautiful it was when we did belong. When we had a place. When we fit in.

But things change, for a variety of reasons. We’re not perfect; the church isn’t perfect. We’ve seen multiple seasons come to an end, seemingly abruptly or through a slow unraveling.

This disruption in belonging can happen at any level, in any relationship… within immediate and extended family, faith communities, friendships, work; it seems nothing is guaranteed this side of heaven.

Broken families exist. Church hurt is real. Drama and trauma are prevalent in our everyday lives. But God also created us for relationship – with Him, and with people. I believe healthy relationships are possible; they will require some heart work.

I’m currently on the launch team for Elizabeth Laing Thompson’s new book When God Says No (pre-order here)! It’s a timely read, and these verses she shared in Chapter 7 spoke directly to my soul this week…

“Then I realized that my heart was bitter, and I was all torn up inside. I was so foolish and ignorant—I must have seemed like a senseless animal to You. Yet I still belong to You; You hold my right hand.” – Psalm 73:21-23 (NLT)

Despite the bitterness of my heart, despite the fact that my soul is affected and afflicted by anger and pain… I still belong to God.

Both things are true for me in this season: bitterness and belonging.

In the midst of wrestling with belonging, God brought along another amazing book: Back Roads to Belonging by Kristen Strong. (It was on sale for the Kindle when I stumbled upon it, and we had credits – so it was free!) I love this quote from Kristen:

“[God] absolutely desires each of us to have a place of belonging, but it may require a good bit of wandering to reach it.”

Not just a sense of belonging to Him, but a place of belonging with others. This was a real encouragement to me in my journey.

Which leads me to this invading thought I had a couple weeks ago… “The wait is not wasted.” This season of waiting and wandering and wondering is not a waste. God is with us; He’s leading and guiding. He’s righting wrongs and turning bad to good.

And it’s okay to process the reality of my bitterness and the ache to belong in His presence. He welcomes it; He welcomes me, and He welcomes you.

Don’t forget – this life on earth is but a taste of what’s to come. A heavenly foreshadow. Perfection doesn’t exist here; forever isn’t now. Comfort and hope are found in God, in His promise of what is to come.

C.S. Lewis wrote in Mere Christianity: “If I find in myself desires which nothing in this world can satisfy, the only logical explanation is that I was made for another world.”

Our citizenship is in heaven; we’re just passing through. So keep going. Seek God, and pursue godly relationships. Belong to Him first, belong to yourself, and then be vulnerable and belong to others. Find your people, a community of believers where you can be you, even if it’s for a season. One day it won’t be temporary.

Confront the bitterness with God; He can handle it. Find out why it’s there. Don’t let the bitterness keep you from belonging.

This week’s song suggestion:

• I Will Trust by Red Rocks Worship (covered by Jon Wright)