A week ago we had some crazy wind chills that plunged our region well into negative temperatures. As we’ve adjusted to the Pennsylvania climate, “cold” has brought on a whole new meaning.

They cancelled school because of the extreme cold, so my kids and I spent most of the day huddled around our gas heater (which happens to be a giant grate in the middle of a walkway, which we lovingly refer to as the “floor of death”).

We were startled by a cracking sound, and assumed some icicles had fallen outside. Later that afternoon we discovered the truth – the closest window to the heater had cracked.

Thankfully this isn’t a newly replaced window like some of the ones in our 1901 rental; this one is least 50 years old. And I’m happy to announce it wasn’t victim to a flying toy. We did a little research and found that extreme cold on the outside and sudden heat on the inside can cause a window to crack.

Within a few days it had grown considerably. (I’m praying it doesn’t shatter before it can be replaced.)

Driving to church on Sunday, I looked up and noticed another crack, this time on our windshield. Assuming it’s from all the rocks on the road from ice/snow, it was about the length of a finger.

This crack has also grown considerably. (Once again, I’m praying it doesn’t shatter before it can be replaced.)

I remembered from a book that God often uses our trials to teach us something. So I got a little bold.

God, what are you trying to show me? What can I learn from this?

I believe my Pastor’s message on Sunday, “Restored Not Damaged Goods”, helped to lay a foundation. (Click here to listen – I highly recommend it!) It prepared my heart and mind to receive what God was about to reveal. Here are a few of my favorite points from Pastor Lon:

• Jesus is great at meeting us at our worst and offering us His best.
• Old wounds aren’t always closed wounds. They get re-opened quickly.
• Jesus will make your brokenness beautiful.
• See myself as God sees me – a masterpiece, created by God.

On Monday morning, God showed me a song I’ve never heard before… Arms of Grace by Bryan and Katie Torwalt. Monday night was rough for me as a mom. My oldest has some health and behavior issues, and I was feeling the weight of it all. I remembered this song, and was overwhelmed at His goodness. He knew I would need His arms of grace.

Tuesday morning I was raw with emotion, after Monday night and after listening to one of my favorite teachings from Melissa Helser. I don’t want to lose my heart, and I want to know this kind Father.

Then I spent a good half hour praying for a woman I don’t even know. I read Psalm after Psalm, praying for this woman, realizing how much emotion is woven throughout the Psalms. So much sorrow and grief… and yet hope emerges. The authors don’t stuff their feelings; they bring them boldly and honestly to God.

A few months ago God had revealed to me the major wall that been built around my heart. That I was walking through life as an orphan, instead of His beloved daughter.

On this Tuesday, a deeper meaning to the cracked windows surfaced. My mind was fixed on getting these glass necessities repaired, so my eyes were quicker to notice the more pressing crack that was in need of my attention.

While I’m praying for this woman, God showed me the crack in my heart. The brokenness that I’ve been carrying for 15 years. My heart is fractured, and I’ve been ignoring it. I’ve been crying out for years for Him to heal my son, and God showed me that He wants to heal my heart. He wants to close this old wound that gets reopened so quickly.

He’s giving me permission to fully feel, to be in touch with my heart.

He’s calling me to grieve, to enter into a moment of lament. To process all the years of pain, fear, abandonment, disappointment, anger, grief, and sorrow.

He’s teaching me how to deal with my feelings. To bring every hard and ugly thought to Jesus, and to take time daily declaring truth.

He’s inviting me to get to know Him as Father, to trust His heart. To believe that He loves my emotions, and that I can fully feel in His presence.

“The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.” – Psalm 34:18

He is near as I evaluate my fractured heart, as I carefully feel the sharp edges and the weight of the burden I’ve carried. Jesus invites me to come close, to lay it all down, to enter into rest, and to learn from Him for He is gentle and humble in heart (Matthew 11:28-30).

In this season I will be looking more closely at the character of this kind Father, beginning with this: He is a Father who heals.

I look up verse after verse about broken hearts and our healing God. I fill pages of my adventure journal. I stir up faith and I know that He wants to restore my damaged heart.

“He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.” – Psalm 147:3

The Hebrew word for ‘heals’ is rapha’ (H7495); it means “to mend (by stitching), to cure; to sew together; God is said to heal a person, a people, a land, i.e. to restore to pristine felicity; to comfort.”

When you stitch things back together, they heal. Of course it takes time. They don’t stay bound with stitches forever, but you are left with a scar. Scars are proof of the battles we face, evidence of a life fully lived and fully felt. God makes it into something beautiful. He restores, repairs, redeems and renews.

The Hebrew word for ‘binds’ is chabash (H2280) – “to wrap firmly (especially a turban, compress, or saddle); figuratively, to stop, to rule; to bind up (wounds).”

He wraps our wounds firmly with His love. I always picture a blanket – that His love is like a blanket and we are covered, held close, secure.

I search for a Bible plan on YouVersion, something about broken hearts. I find one called Golden Repair: Strong at the Broken Places. I start it, and it opens with Kintsugi, which my pastor talked about Sunday. I also find this quote from Ernest Hemingway: “The world breaks everyone and afterward many are strong at the broken places.”

I want to be one of the many that are stronger in this place of my heart. I want the fracture to heal. I don’t want to stay broken forever; I want to witness Jesus make it beautiful. I want to connect with others who share a similar story.

I’m reminded of Ann Voskamp’s book, The Broken Way, and the quote from her daughter: “Maybe the love gets in easier right where the heart’s broke open.”

He knows I need His love and healing most here… in this broken, messy, vulnerable, cracked place.

I finish a chapter in Becoming MomStrong, a book I’ve been trying to read for months. But wouldn’t you know, His timing is perfect. The chapter ends with this – “Are you broken-hearted, precious mom? Take heart: God is near.”

The cracks in the windows are well beyond repair; they need to be replaced. But my heart is another story. God formed this heart; He gave me a new heart when I believed on Jesus. And there’s no fracture or break too great for Him to heal.