A couple weeks ago I was able to travel back to Washington state for a few days to visit friends and family. I had been gone for 14 months and was beyond grateful for the opportunity to catch up with my community there.

It was interesting to me, how people would say that I was visiting “home” when in all honesty, my home is here in Pennsylvania – being with God in the place where He has called us to be.

God did so much in my heart on this trip, and it started with my solo flights. I have never traveled alone, without someone I know, but God was faithful to show His presence and kindness all throughout my adventure. The things I was anxious about or fearful of, turned out to be wasted worries. He really was with me, every step of the way.

He started a work in my heart on that long flight from Philly to SeaTac (and I’m still processing through it now). He so graciously wove a thread through a myriad of songs and books and podcasts. He was speaking to me about walls, and about my heart.

Exhibit A: a quote by Debra Fileta from her book “Choosing Marriage”, from the chapter I had left off on – in the one book I had packed to read at the Philadelphia airport…

Exhibit B: the bridge of the song “Reckless Love” was on repeat in my head: “There’s no shadow You won’t light up, no mountain You won’t climb up… there’s no wall You won’t kick down, no lie You won’t tear down, coming after me…”

Exhibit C: this podcast I stumbled upon pre-flight to have downloaded and ready to listen to… “When God is Within” from Beth Moore… (I didn’t realize it was from December 31, 2000!)

There were a few other moments but those were 3 prominent ones. And it caused me to (Selah!) breathe, pause, to take some time and think on all that He was speaking.

Here’s an excerpt from my journal on the plane…

“What wall have I so beautifully and perfectly erected — brick by brick, stone by stone — what stronghold have I been protecting that has actually been strangling His presence?”

I thought He had made a way for me to go on this trip to see the lovely people that I missed… but He had another purpose in mind, too.

To open my eyes, ears, mind, soul and body — to see, hear, receive, and change.

To begin to deal with the wall.

To give me rest from my daily rhythm at home, to have time and space to reflect and work on me.

To walk humbly with Him. To hold His hand and to be held in the palm of His hand.

To let His light and truth illuminate the shadows. To start the process of tearing down the wall by first getting to the root of the issue.

To be together with God, doing the hard work — the heart work.

The enemy’s whispers tried to find a way in, and I scribbled the words through blinding tears: why would God leave the 99 for me? Why would He send His Son for me?

It was time for the plane to land so there I was, holding my phone, earbuds in, worship music on. I stumbled across this note from 10/22/15…

“God’s love isn’t tied to my performance… to whether I make a mistake or things go smoothly. To whether I know the right answer or stumble through a truth. He really does love me no matter what. No matter what happens.”

Nearly 3 years later, and this truth still hasn’t fully made its way from my head to my heart. I still struggle with an orphan mindset. I don’t always see me as He sees me.

And here I am, on this “Thoughtful Thursday” – still pondering, still trying to put a finger on what exactly that wall is. Maybe it’s pride. Maybe it’s an identity crisis. Not fully knowing or embracing my essential self, who God created and called me to be.

I want to have good eyes… one extreme is proud and says I deserve to be loved; the other extreme is low self-esteem and says I will never be worthy enough to be loved.

And so a journey is beginning. To let my heart feel emotion instead of avoiding it. To discover who I am.

To be. To be held. To be loved. To be with God.

And to know that He brought me back home to Pennsylvania, safe and sound, to be more intentional in building a community here in this place.

❤️

I want to leave you with this passage from Zephaniah 3:9-20 in The Message. God highlighted it for me today and I keep going back to it:

“In the end I will turn things around for the people. I’ll give them a language undistorted, unpolluted, words to address God in worship and, united, to serve me with their shoulders to the wheel. They’ll come from beyond the Ethiopian rivers, they’ll come praying— all my scattered, exiled people will come home with offerings for worship. You’ll no longer have to be ashamed of all those acts of rebellion. I’ll have gotten rid of your arrogant leaders. No more pious strutting on my holy hill! I’ll leave a core of people among you who are poor in spirit— what’s left of Israel that’s really Israel. They’ll make their home in God. This core holy people will not do wrong. They won’t lie, won’t use words to flatter or seduce. Content with who they are and where they are, unanxious, they’ll live at peace.”

So sing, Daughter Zion! Raise the rafters, Israel! Daughter Jerusalem, be happy! celebrate! God has reversed His judgments against you and sent your enemies off chasing their tails. From now on, God is Israel’s king, in charge at the center. There’s nothing to fear from evil ever again!

Jerusalem will be told: “Don’t be afraid. Dear Zion, don’t despair. Your God is present among you, a strong Warrior there to save you. Happy to have you back, He’ll calm you with his love and delight you with his songs.

“The accumulated sorrows of your exile will dissipate. I, your God, will get rid of them for you. You’ve carried those burdens long enough. At the same time, I’ll get rid of all those who’ve made your life miserable. I’ll heal the maimed; I’ll bring home the homeless. In the very countries where they were hated they will be venerated. On Judgment Day I’ll bring you back home—a great family gathering! You’ll be famous and honored all over the world. You’ll see it with your own eyes— all those painful partings turned into reunions!” God’s Promise.

Other Recommendations:

“Rescue” by Lauren Daigle (or the whole album! Look Up Child)

“The Story of With” by Allen Arnold (I’ve only read Part One but it is so timely for my orphan-daughter struggle, and it comes highly recommended by my best friend in Washington)

theroadbacktoyou.com – I am barely scratching the surface of this Enneagram stuff but I am learning so much about myself!