To be completely honest, I had an entirely different topic that I’d planned to write about this week. I had it mostly laid out in a rough draft, and even an idea for a song I thought would be good to write with it. But that will have to be for another time, because I feel like what I’m going to share needs to be said. This is a culmination of notes in my phone, snippets from podcasts, social media posts, and much more.

A quick history for context. I grew up in church. I began attending when I was 4 on Easter Sunday. Most of my experience in church growing up was positive, however I have learned a few things that I was oblivious to as I’ve gotten older. Today, having worked for over a decade in vocational ministry, I have seen and experienced things that, quite frankly, just need to change. I want to make it very clear from the outset: I love the Church, I believe in the Church, and I sincerely hope and pray that the Church is awakened in a new way to reach people with the good news!

I’ve seen a disturbing trend in a number of churches, and although it is being talked about in some circles, I hope to shed light and perhaps bring a bit of a different perspective. It breaks my heart to continue to hear or read about stories that are coming out of churches across the country and the world. I’ve learned some of the stories from strangers, some from friends and acquaintances, and have even lived it firsthand. It breaks my heart to say that more and more, people are being hurt by the church. Whether it’s an abuse of power from leadership, mistreatment from other church members, or a combination of the two, the very place that is meant to be a place of healing has become for many the very source of the pain. What’s worse is that when people are hurt, they are often cast out. If the Church really is meant to be a place of healing from brokenness, why is the Church often the one creating some of the brokenness? More and more, I hear of people who have lost faith in the Church or even in God altogether, and we can’t be okay with that.

There are countless reasons why people are offended. We get offended sometimes by the craziest things. Maybe its the music, the lighting, the color of the carpet…you name it. There are also very valid reasons for being offended. Regardless of the source of the offense, I believe that our response to an offended person should be the same… grace. We shouldn’t be afraid of offended people. Yes, it can be “contagious” and it is wise to use discernment. But I don’t think the correct response is to cut off a brother or sister, especially when they are in pain.

I think about the life of Jesus. He dealt with offended people all the time, most notably the Pharisees and religious rulers. They were jealous and offended every time they encountered Him. But what was Jesus’s response? Did He cut them off? Did He avoid them? Did He tell the disciples not to talk to them? He did rebuke the Pharisees at times, and warned His disciples to beware of their teachings, but I believe He always extended grace. He had conversations with them. He used discernment and knew when they were trying to trick or trap Him. But at any moment, if one of them were to have a change of heart and repent, He was there – ready to accept them. Obviously, this is a pretty extreme example. And please hear my heart: being offended doesn’t automatically mean you’re like the Pharisees. Again, there are valid reasons to be offended. But maybe this is an area to examine and grow in, to learn from Jesus and his response to offense. If Jesus was still willing to have a conversation with an offended person, perhaps we can and should as well.

The concept of offense has become something of a taboo topic in the Church world. To be fair, it can be dangerous. When we hold onto offense (I can tell you firsthand), it hardens our heart and makes us bitter, resentful, and unforgiving. As I mentioned before, it can be contagious. Particularly if we’re offended by something trivial and we start sharing that with people, they can become offended as well, and it can start a dangerous cycle. Here’s the problem I think we run into, though: Every single kind of offense has been lumped together. Pastors will stand up in the pulpit or a meeting and say that offended people are bad and we should avoid them. But what about when it becomes a pattern?

I can recall a couple of instances where I began to hear a steady rotation of messages and teachings about offense. At first I was kind of numb to it, so to speak. I, like many I assume, understood that offense is bad and thought we should always avoid it. But eventually, it started to raise some red flags for me. I started to wonder – why are so many people getting hurt, feeling offended, and leaving? No one should expect a pastor or leader to be perfect. But we do expect that they live above reproach, as Paul lays out in 1 Timothy and Titus. There is a higher level of accountability for those who preach and teach, for those who are tasked with caring for the flock.

There will likely always be people around the Church who are offended. Some of them will be offended by silly, unimportant matters, some will be offended by the message (kind of like the Pharisees), and sadly, some will be treated so poorly that they can’t help but be offended. We have to learn to differentiate between these, and we have to learn how to respond to each of these whether it’s in our own life or someone we know. If we all genuinely strive to live above reproach, we shouldn’t have to worry about offending people. If we show people our character and truly love and care for them, they won’t be so quick to pick on someone else’s offense toward us.

So how do we respond to offense? I want to give the disclaimer that I don’t presume to have it all figured out. I’m learning and growing in this, but I hope that my experience and what I’ve learned can provide some guidance.

1. If I’m offended. The first thing we should do is take an inventory of our heart. Ask yourself if there is a valid reason for the feeling. Talk to someone if you need to, but not just anyone. Find someone you trust and who is mature. You might find that you need to let it go, you might discover that you’ve mistaken conviction for offense and you need to wrestle through the matter in the Word and prayer, or you might receive confirmation that you were actually justified in feeling offended. Regardless of the source of the offense, it’s crucial that we find a way to work through it. If we let it linger, it will harden and fortify our heart. Proverbs 18:19 says it this way: “A brother wronged is more unyielding than a fortified city…” Don’t try to work through it alone. Find someone to come alongside you to encourage and guide you. And most importantly, let God lead you through the healing process.
2. If someone I know is offended. First and foremost… listen. Many times we may not fully understand why they feel the way they do, but we have to resist the urge to dismiss it. Help them take inventory and discover how they need to work through the offense. The type of relationship you have with them will determine what these conversations will look like. I’d say a huge part of this is to be a support. Even if you don’t understand or fully agree, acknowledge their pain and help them find a path toward healing.
3. If I have offended someone. Just like when we are the ones who are offended, this starts with looking within our own heart. Ask the tough questions. It requires humility and honesty to really look within. Regardless of what we believe about the validity of the offense, we have to try to find a way to make it right. Most of us probably hate tough conversations, but looking at the bigger picture and understanding God’s heart for reconciliation should help us grasp how important they can be. Be willing to own your part in the matter and be willing to make it right. Perhaps one the most challenging parts is evaluating to see if a pattern has developed. I don’t want to be the type of person who makes a habit of hurting people. God has called us to bring healing, but often our own pride and agenda get in the way.

I can tell you that I have experienced all three of these a number of times. I’ve gotten all three wrong before, too. I’ve been offended and allowed it to take root and harden my heart. I’ve cut off offended people rather than support and love them. And I’ve offended and hurt people and held the position that I was right and they were overreacting.

I’m also walking this out right now. I’m working through my own pain and offense; trying to find a way to heal and move forward. I’m working toward forgiveness even though I know an apology or acknowledgment of wrong will likely never come. It’s not easy by any means, but I know the work is important. I know that what God wants to do in me and through me in the future is directly affected by how I respond to my pain today. I believe that God uses the painful experiences we face to help bring healing to others.

I want to wrap up by saying that if you’ve been hurt and offended by the Church, I am truly sorry. I hope these words have brought some validation, guidance, and most of all healing. Keep doing the work. Keep fighting the fight. You might not want to hear it (I didn’t at one point), but don’t give up on the Church altogether. There is no perfect church, but not every church will bring the same pain you’ve experienced. I pray that you find a place to truly plant and heal. Our family has, and it’s made a world of difference for us. Paul compares the Christian walk to a race. The race might be long, there will be pain along the way, but there is a prize at the end. Remember that you’re not running alone.