Jon covered RATTLE this week, and to be honest, I wasn’t a huge fan of the song at first. But getting a front row seat to Jon’s recording session, something in me shifted. The words came to life and woke me up a bit. God has resurrection power and it’s available to us today. He wants to raise to life what the enemy intended to have die or stay dormant. God is stirring up things He placed in us before we were even born.

In this day and age, knowing who we are (who God actually created us to be) is crucial.

Recently I heard Jen Hatmaker talk about being disintegrated, fractured, with broken pieces everywhere. That word “disintegrated” cut right to my soul. She said we have to be “integrated from the inside out.”

Heart work might be the hardest work. It requires time, reflection, digging deep, and usually change of some sort. If who we are on the inside doesn’t match who we are on the outside, we have some tough decisions to make (and apply).

Will we continue walking the road we’re on? Or will we stop to rest and do some soul searching?

I’ve gathered thoughts and compiled lists before. I wrote a blog in January 2019 called My Essential Self. Back in January 2020, I even made some “who goals” after listening to Pastor Lon’s message WHO then DO.

“Who Am I” –> know your identity

• Beloved Daughter – seen, heard, known, loved, cared for, healed
• Free – new, clean, free to dance/worship
• Unhurried – rested, refreshed, unburdened, present
• Supportive Wife – helpmate, prayerful, submitted, respectful
• Discipling Mother – launching pad for my kids, relationship > religion
• Called (to Encourage) – through ministry/writing, pointing to Truth
• Generous Friend – thoughtful, kind
• His Masterpiece – clay in the Potter’s hands
• Breathe, Held, Bloom, Savor (my one words to date)

But then I forget. I get preoccupied. I start to lose myself in the busy and the daily. It’s easy to drift away from who we are when we’re not living intentionally from our soul. It takes constant awareness with an extra side of grace.

This next step of your journey, this moment of peeling back another layer, this digging a little deeper – all of this matters. Why? Because your soul matters, and you’re solely responsible for it.

I can’t do your heart work for you, and you can’t do mine. We can encourage each other in it—absolutely—but it’s personal work. Significant work for you and your Heavenly Father to dive into together.

I know firsthand it’s not always pretty. But it is always worth it.

I’m finding it’s not a one-and-done thing, but it is a lifetime process of becoming.

“… being confident of this, that He who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.” – Philippians 1:6

The soul searching of “who I am” starts with knowing “whose I am”. First and foremost, I belong to God. (Check out last month’s blog, Beloved, Be Loved.)

Next, there must be a realization that this soul searching is important and urgent.

“What good will it be for a man if he gains the whole world, yet forfeits his soul? Or what can a man give in exchange for his soul?” – Matthew 16:26

What eternal good will be done if I can achieve, perform, acquire, succeed, __________ (fill in the blank) but I lose my soul in the process? Or worse – if I never even attempt to get to know my soul?

“Do the work and show up for your life, because you are the only one who can live it, and the rest of us need you.” – Jen Hatmaker

Jen has challenged me in this crazy season to get back to who I really am. To be bold enough to live from that place, by grace through faith. It’s a slow grow, but it’s growth and it’s good.

Beneath the surface, past the pain and heartache, beyond the years of burdens and grief… my essential self is waiting to be uncovered and embraced. It’s one thing to live; it’s an entirely different thing to live with your heart awake.

As an Enneagram 1, I have to learn to value progress over perfection. My inner critic doesn’t stop. I’m learning to befriend her, and give her some new words to speak.

Here’s my updated list… I hope it inspires you make your own “who goals”… to keep coming back to it, chiseling it, and refining it.

“Who I Am”

• Beloved Daughter – seen, heard, known, loved, cared for, healed
• Free – new creation, clean, free to dance/worship
• Unhurried – rested, refreshed, unburdened, present
• Supportive Wife – helpmate, prayerful, submitted, respectful, honoring, partner
• Discipling Mother – launching pad for my kids, relationship > religion
• Called (to Encourage) – through ministry/writing/teaching, pointing to Him/Truth
• Generous Friend – thoughtful, kind
• His Masterpiece – clay in the Potter’s hands
• Enneagram 1w2 – principled, purposeful, perfectionistic; ethical, orderly, judgmental, critical; advocate, fiery, action-oriented, controlling
• Confrontational, outspoken, sensitive
• Emotional, passionate, intense, hard worker
• Loyal, persevering, resilient, committed
• Careful, hesitant, planner
• Breathe, Held, Bloom, Savor (my one words to date)
• Introvert
• Achiever, Belief, Discipline, Learner, Responsibility (Strengthsfinder)
• ISTJ – “Take your time and do it right”
• Some of my favorite things: words, math, puzzles, music, photography, water/beach, health/fitness

As with my lists in the past, it’s not complete. It’s a start. Or maybe it’s the middle. It’s messy and probably contradictory in parts. But it’s me. It’s who I am.

God uses us, all of us, in His perfect timing, in His beautiful ways.

“Brothers, think of what you were when you were called. Not many of you were wise by human standards; not many were influential; not many were of noble birth. But God chose the foolish things of the world to shame the wise; God chose the weak things of the world to shame the strong. He chose the lowly things of this world and the despised things—and the things that are not—to nullify the things that are, so that no one may boast before Him. It is because of Him that you are in Christ Jesus, who has become for us wisdom from God—that is, our righteousness, holiness and redemption. Therefore, as it is written: ‘Let him who boasts boast in the Lord.'” – 1 Corinthians 1:26-31

Think of what you were when you were called. Consider all the ways God has turned your ashes into beauty. How He has redeemed your life from the pit. How He wants your story to bring Him glory. He uses us – the foolish, weak, lowly and despised – to shame the wise and strong. He takes the things that aren’t yet (the unseen) to nullify the things that are (the seen).

So who are you? Who are you on the outside, and who are you on the inside? Do they line up – in all situations and circumstances?

It’s always a good time to do some soul searching. Remember, heart work is hard work. Especially when an endless list vies for your attention every moment of the day. But your soul matters. You’ve only got one. One life to live, one soul to keep.

Schedule a time. Get quiet. Write it down. Keep it close. The world will try to slap its labels on you, and you have an opportunity to stand firm in your identity. To welcome with open arms who God has formed and created you to be.

You are loved. With all your quirks and hard parts, your tricky spots and contradictions. God sees and knows it all. And He welcomes you in, into His presence and His love, no matter what. Your soul is safe with Him. Search it out. It’s time.

What I’m listening to:

• RATTLE – cover by Jon Wright
• Lean Back – Maverick City Music
• Rest on Us – Harvest
• Breakthrough by Red Rocks Worship

What I’m reading:

• Soul Keeping: Caring For the Most Important Part of You by John Ortberg
• Becoming Us: Using the Enneagram to Create a Thriving Gospel-Centered Marriage by Beth & Jeff McCord
• Fierce, Free, and Full of Fire: The Guide to Being Glorious You by Jen Hatmaker
• Be You: 20 Ways to Embrace Who You Really Are by Lisa Leonard