Happy Thanksgiving! And Happy Thoughtful Thursday! I am honored to bring you a guest blog this week from Chelsea Dutta! I met Chelsea before we moved to Pennsylvania. She is the founder and leader of Amma’s Umma, my favorite fair-trade place to shop. Chelsea introduced me to so many incredible things in the short time I lived near her – Sarah’s Covenant Homes, A Family For Every Orphan, and Young Living to name a few. She’s not okay with the status quo, and she is an advocate for others, especially orphans. I hope you enjoy this heartfelt piece from Chelsea!

By Chelsea Dutta
We live in a time where society’s focus on “being true to yourself” and “following your heart” has perhaps crippled us from pushing through the hard things to discover something about ourselves we never dreamed was possible. I once heard someone talk about the world we live in as being obsessed and guided by feelings. We’ve become blinded to the fact that feelings can’t and won’t serve as a trustworthy moral compass, guiding light or whatever you’d like to call it. Instead, we chase where our feelings lead and find ourselves unendingly unsatisfied and exhausted from constantly changing direction; for feelings are fleeting and serving them results in living a life of confusion and chaos.

This year I was faced with many opportunities and temptations to follow the leading of my feelings. Feelings leading to actions that would be justified and even celebrated by most of the world. Rather than spending this year as a slave to my very real feelings, I had to fix my eyes on the truth, Jesus as my example and the trajectory I believe in for my life. And it was the hardest year of my life because of this. Instead of relaxing into the natural state of responding to my feelings, I was almost on edge, mistrusting my every step, skeptical of my desires and weary of my flesh made plans.

You see, this year I got pregnant. I’ve never had the desire to have my own biological children. I’ve always had a heart for adoption and saw that as my guiding light, the rulebook for building my family. I’ve spent so much of my short life advocating for adoption and frankly, there just aren’t enough adoptive parents. So because I have a heart for it, I thought it would be better for me to not have biological children, since the desire wasn’t there at all, and just focus on adopting.

And then, 3 months before the adoption of my first child was complete, I was craving pancakes at midnight. My husband looked across the living room with a big smile. “I think you’re pregnant, I’ll go buy a test!” He couldn’t hide his excitement. We had just finished a 6-hour drive to Bend, Oregon to celebrate his birthday with a hike up Misery Ridge. Looking back, it was ironic in every way. I don’t like hiking… let alone, a hike called ‘Misery Ridge.’ But I was willing to do it, because I knew he would love it and it really was breathtaking.

But that’s beside the point. During the drive down to Oregon we mapped out the next five years of our life. We ended the conversation agreeing, that despite pressure from all around us, we’d shelf having babies and come back to it after we turned 30. You do have to wonder what God’s chuckle sounds like when he hears us making these plans, knowing so very well what he has in store for us.

I fell to the floor when I saw the test. While my husband tried to hold back his gigantic smile to comfort me. I cried. “I’m not ready! I don’t want this, and I cannot do it. I’m so scared,” is what I kept mumbling over and over. I didn’t sleep that night. I kept bursting into tears. I was such a ball of conflict. You see, I had made a deal with God earlier in life. I’ve always been terrified of childbirth. My heart and love for adoption wasn’t born out of that fear, but it was a safe refuge to numb me from my fear and comfort my decision to not face my fear. So, before I got married I told God that if I ever got pregnant, it would have to be His doing. I didn’t think I could ever have the courage to step into pregnancy by my own will. 3 years into marriage and Amith and I, without anything other than an app on our phone, had successfully avoided pregnancy. I kept looking back through the calendar while I was crumpled up into a ball on the bathroom floor. How did this happen? It didn’t make sense. I knew, of course, the God had honored my deal and that this was completely from Him. Regardless, I still wanted it to somehow be my mistake. Something I could wallow in instead of face head on. Something I wouldn’t have to overcome out of my conviction that this was from God.

I could go on, but let’s fast forward. September 19, 2019 at 4am the contractions began. One day before I was due. I think God knew I couldn’t handle the due date… or the days to follow. I wanted to be surprised but had allowed myself to settle on believing I’d be two weeks late. Just like my mom, just like my sister. Again, God honored me, and Elijah Everest Dutta came a day earlier than doctors predicted, when I didn’t expect him to and when I hadn’t even begun to give myself the mental space to panic about the fact that birth was really going to happen.

Despite every fear, every feeling, every wish and silent prayer, I became a mother in a way I never wanted to. They eventually had to put me to sleep to bring Elijah into this world. I woke up, not sure where I was or why I hurt so badly. I woke up, having no idea how much my heart was about to grow, my spirit strengthen, and my mind transform. I’ll be honest, I spent almost my entire pregnancy unable to bond with who was growing inside of me. Both his physicality as well as the idea of who he could be. I had no feelings towards him and it terrified me. I thought for sure he would come and I wouldn’t be able to attach, that he would be a chore I didn’t ask for. Despite these thoughts, I marched forward in obedience and hope that what God was doing in my life was truly good and purpose filled and that I wouldn’t drown in becoming a newborn mom.

And yet God knew what I never could, that is until I survived 9 months of feeling despair only to find the brightest light I had ever seen. Elijah Everest Dutta. Living proof that trudging through your worst fears and fighting for truth, despite everything in your mind railing against it, can lead to the most beautiful meadow of hope, joy and peace.

If I didn’t have Jesus as my guiding light, I would have said no to Elijah’s life. Writing it now makes me sick, trembling for fear of judgement and sadness for myself. I can’t imagine my life without him now, and I can’t believe I was the person who resented his lungs growing inside me. I didn’t want to admit it here, but I think it’s important that I do. Because I want to give you hope. Hope that if you’re going through something that doesn’t feel good, that feels as far opposite from good even… the most beautiful outcome could be waiting for you if you’re clinging to what is good and true and right.

Photos by Wandering Love Collective & Lens and Legends