Confession: I have a conditional love for vulnerability. I love it when things are going well, when I have a good rhythm, when I (seem to) have it all together. When I’m balancing my roles well, when my relationships are thriving, when my house is clean, when I’m on top of my to-do list.

I love vulnerability when I feel strong.

But when I feel weak?

A dear friend pointed out that I hate vulnerability when I’m weak. When I’m overwhelmed by the fullness of my plate, when relationships are hard, when my house is messy and my peace is missing and I can’t even accomplish one task…

It’s then that I loathe vulnerability. I don’t like feeling weak, and I don’t enjoy inviting others into my weakness.

I don’t want to be a burden to my friends; they’re carrying their own load.

I don’t want to paint those I’m struggling with in a bad light.

I don’t want to ask for help because maybe they can’t help, or worse – maybe they don’t want to.

It’s here that I hate vulnerability.

This dear friend of mine observed all this from faraway after a few days of “radio silence.” She boldly brought this revelation to me. When things are hard, I turn inward; I shut others out.

She kindly reminded me that God is strong when we’re weak… but even then we’re still weak. His power and strength are made perfect in my weakness (2 Corinthians 12:9) – absolutely. But it doesn’t magically erase my weakness. I’m still weak. And that’s okay.

I’m a broken vessel. Broken vessels need time and space to heal. I will never know perfection this side of heaven. He who began a good work in me will carry it on to completion until the day Jesus returns (Philippians 1:6).

Some more reminders from my friend:

• Be weak and vulnerable to God and others
• Work through the lies in my heart (that I can’t be weak; that I shouldn’t be struggling; that I’m not good enough)
• Have confidence that God delights in me because He made me and He loves me. (His delight in me is not a result of what I do.)

God is truly a faithful Father. He has been bringing Scripture to light my path and encouragement to color my world.

“Out of His fullness we have all received grace in place of grace already given.” – John 1:16

“He reached down from on high and took hold of me; He drew me out of deep waters. He rescued me from my powerful enemy, from my foes, who were too strong for me. They confronted me in the day of my disaster, but the Lord was my support. He brought me out into a spacious place; He rescued me because He delighted in me. “- 2 Samuel 22:17-20

“You gave abundant showers, O God; You refreshed your weary inheritance.” – Psalm 68:9

“So we’re not giving up. How could we! Even though on the outside it often looks like things are falling apart on us, on the inside, where God is making new life, not a day goes by without His unfolding grace. These hard times are small potatoes compared to the coming good times, the lavish celebration prepared for us. There’s far more here than meets the eye. The things we see now are here today, gone tomorrow. But the things we can’t see now will last forever.” – 2 Corinthians 4:16-18

I’ve been sitting with this word vulnerable; I love how Webster’s defines it. “Capable of being physically or emotionally wounded; open to attack or damage : assailable.” At its Latin root it means “to wound.” No wonder I hate vulnerability. Who wants to be wounded? But being capable of it… that’s part of what makes us human. We are open to attack and damage. But we are never alone. When we’re honest about our wounds, it opens us up to more wounds. But it also opens the door for healing and redemption and growth.

We can stay hard and closed off and isolated, tending to our wounds, covering them up. Or we can, by grace through faith, let some hand-picked people in, allowing them to help us get to the root issue and bandage the wound.

“Guard your heart out there. All are love-worthy. Not all are trustworthy. Authenticity with all. Transparency with most. Intimacy with some.” – Beth Moore

I’m not saying we should be vulnerable on social media or with everyone we meet. But vulnerability is a choice. I’ve lived long enough with the alternative to know there’s a better way. I’m not sure that we naturally tend toward vulnerability. It’s not easy; it’s hard and it hurts. But I’m learning that when I choose vulnerability, it’s worth it. And I believe it starts with being vulnerable with God, with ourselves, and with those closest to us.

Yesterday my dryer quit drying. Which is rather unfortunate when it’s winter weather and your household of six wear multiple layers everyday. A few other things broke within a 12-hour period and I had two thoughts: Everything I touch breaks. (Slight exaggeration). And, when it rains, it pours. To which the Holy Spirit lovingly said, “Then ask a friend for an umbrella.”

I proceeded to message a dear friend of mine to see if I could bring my laundry to her house. She gladly welcomed me. It may seem small but it was an opportunity to choose vulnerability.

I am thankful for far-distance friends who call me out (in love, of course). I am thankful for close-by friends who help me with my laundry with a cup of coffee and heart-to-heart conversation. And I am most thankful for the Holy Spirit who is with me every step of the way. He welcomes our vulnerability; He’s not afraid of it. And He is there to comfort, counsel, and remind us that we’re righteous because of Jesus. Even when it rains, pours or snows, He holds the ultimate umbrella. Will we choose to stand under it with Him?

“God invites us to exchange what feels raw and vulnerable for His strength… He covers us with Himself, blankets us in His safe love, and replaces our exposed weakness with His strength.” – Sara Hagerty, Unseen

Come sail with Me

Across the pain, into the deep

Through all the hurt, until you’re free

 

This week’s song suggestions:

• Fighting For Me by Riley Clemmons
• Known by Tauren Wells
• Scars by I AM THEY