Last September I was able to sneak away for five days to visit family and friends in the Pacific Northwest. As I sat on that Edmonds-Kingston ferry, the one I used to travel so often, I found myself lost in my thoughts. And not in a good way. I was swirling and whirling into frustration and self-defense. Something had happened, some words had been said, and everything in me wanted to respond. Instead of retaliating, I let myself feel the feeling. I sat with it, and tried to piece together why I was so upset over the words spoken.

Knowing the boat was approaching its destination, I prayed a quick prayer. I didn’t want to take this situation with me to the peninsula; I didn’t want this extra baggage to weigh me down and negatively affect the brief 30 hours that I had to connect with some of my dearest friends.

God is so kind and faithful.

I turned to look out the window, and this was my view.

The line was drawn; this time it wasn’t in the sand. I was literally leaving the clouds and gray waters behind. I was entering blue skies that reflected onto blue water; unexplainable peace guarded my heart and my mind.

I found myself on the other side of rely.

Up until that point, I was relying on myself. My performance. My convictions. My truth. My perspective. My right-ness.

I had to let go. Of the hurtful words, of me trying to make it better, of the lies that were trying to creep in, of the feelings that I needed to feel but didn’t need to stay in. I had to leave it all behind in the dreary gray and enter into the hopeful blue.

The moment I let go and lean into the Father, I find a better way to live.

Relying on myself works for a time, but it’s not sustainable. I’m not strong enough, I’m not smart enough, I’m not good enough. I’m not God.

Fast forward six months and I’m still trying to learn this lesson.

There are moments and even seasons of our life when it feels like we’re in a fog. We dwell in the unknown and long for clarity.

But if and when clarity comes, it doesn’t guarantee a forever fix. More trouble will come. More trials will appear. The fog will return.

If we can look with eyes of faith, something is happening in these hard chapters of our lives. Or maybe it’s better to say there’s an opportunity for something to happen.

I’m reminded of the movie “Evan Almighty”, and while it may not be completely in line with Scripture, there’s one scene that seems to be so true. God (in this case Morgan Freeman) says, “Let me ask you something. If someone prays for patience, you think God gives them patience? Or does he give them the opportunity to be patient? If he prayed for courage, does God give him courage, or does he give him opportunities to be courageous? If someone prayed for the family to be closer, do you think God zaps them with warm fuzzy feelings, or does he give them opportunities to love each other?”

I want to be near God. I want to be close to Him. I want to live every moment of this life with Him. When everything is going smoothly, it’s easy to get self-reliant and forget God. But when I’m passing through the waters and walking through the fire, when life is challenging and uncertainty is all around, when I’m waiting for an answer and holding on to hope… These are the opportunities I have to choose to stay close to God. This is where I learn what it means to trust Him and put my faith in Him.

As a church and in our Life Group, we’ve had a little homework from our pastor. We’ve been in a series called Spring Ahead and we’re looking at our thoughts and how to win the war in our minds. We’ve received some interesting science facts and been faced with some challenging truths. One of my favorites from Pastor Lon: “Your life is moving in the direction of your strongest thought.” And so often we don’t make time to think about what we think about. We coast and get comfortable and are quick to believe the enemy’s lies and forget the Father’s truth. We worry instead of worship.

Back to our assignment: to identify our greatest stronghold. And then, to find truth in the Bible to demolish that stronghold.

I thought it would be a quick thing but it took me a few extra days to process. Through conversations at Life Group and stumbling upon 2 Corinthians 1:9, I realized what my number one stronghold is.

Relying on myself.

Which leads to me being overwhelmed. (Because I’m relying on myself.)

Looking back to September and beyond, it makes sense. For years I’ve depended on myself. I’ve relied on myself. I believe it’s tied to that orphan mindset I struggle with, those independent and self-sufficient thought patterns.

Sometimes it takes a trial to shake me out of that self-reliance. I come to the end of myself and realize how much I absolutely need God.

I’m in a season where I’m learning again to rely on Him. To trust Him. To believe Him for good. To depend on Him and have confidence in Him. To lean on Him and to lean into Him. To support myself on Him. To rest in Him. To be okay not having all the answers and to not making them up on my own.

To know and rely on Him. He is with me. And I am with Him. No matter what. I am loved by Him. No matter what.

When I stop looking inward and relying on myself, when I look up and I fix my eyes on Him – I’m on the other side of rely.

Self-reliance has been my habit, my stronghold. It will take intentionality to keep coming back to this God-side of rely, but I’m believing the more I walk this road the more familiar I’ll get with it. I want reliance on God to be my new normal, no matter what circumstances I’m facing.

Here are a few of the Scriptures I keep reading and declaring to help demolish my self-reliant stronghold:

• “Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God. For just as the sufferings of Christ flow over into our lives, so also through Christ our comfort overflows. If we are distressed, it is for your comfort and salvation; if we are comforted, it is for your comfort, which produces in you patient endurance of the same sufferings we suffer. And our hope for you is firm, because we know that just as you share in our sufferings, so also you share in our comfort. We do not want you to be uninformed, brothers, about the hardships we suffered in the province of Asia. We were under great pressure, far beyond our ability to endure, so that we despaired even of life. Indeed, in our hearts we felt the sentence of death. But this happened that we might not rely on ourselves but on God, who raises the dead. He has delivered us from such a deadly peril, and He will deliver us again. On Him we have set our hope that He will continue to deliver us.” – 2 Corinthians 1:3-10
• “And so we know and rely on the love God has for us. God is love. Whoever lives in love lives in God, and God in them.” – 1 John 4:16
• “Then Asa called to the Lord his God and said, ‘Lord, there is no one like You to help the powerless against the mighty. Help us, O Lord our God, for we rely on You, and in Your name we have come against this vast army. O Lord, you are our God; do not let man prevail against you.” – 2 Chronicles 14:11
• “Trust in the Lord with all your heart; do not depend [lean, rely] on your own understanding. Seek His will in all you do, and He will show you which path to take.” – Proverbs 3:5-6

P.S. I have to share about this! One of my longtime friends from across the country sent me Lysa TerKeurst’s book It’s Not Supposed to Be This Way. I did not know how much this would be a “now” book for me. If you’ve ever dealt with disappointment – I cannot recommend this book enough. God knew I needed it and made sure it got into my hands. (Thank you Sonja!)

On my playlist this week:

• Never Out of Sight – Liberty Church Worship
• Another in the Fire – Hillsong
• Nothing I Hold On To – Will Reagan

❤

“No matter how we rationalize, God will sometimes seem unfair from the perspective of a person trapped in time. . . . Not until history has run its course will we understand how ‘all things work together for good.’ Faith means believing in advance what will only make sense in reverse.” – Philip Yancey