Equa-what?

That’s what I thought when I first saw this word. But when I read the definition, I felt like I had just discovered a hidden treasure, a piece to my puzzle that I had always longed for.

Spoiler alert: Marriage can be quite the rollercoaster, especially if you have kids. As I grow in self-awareness to become the best version of myself, I come face to face with the good, the bad, and the ugly. As I strive to better deal with my emotions and feelings, I can’t help but notice the triggers. Sometimes there are 4 of them, ranging in age from 5 to 14.

My amazingly patient husband and I have been doing some heart work (which is hard work!) and noticed a cycle. When circumstances get stressful, we realized that we each bring expectations to the table and in turn misinterpret each other’s motivations. If we’re not careful, these blessings and heavenly gifts (aka children) can unknowingly drive a wedge between this holy union. We can be so quick to forget that we’re on the same team.

We recently came out on the other side of one of these cycles, trying desperately to move forward. Trying to believe for some breakthrough. Trying to make progress… to be slower to speak and quicker to listen.

But then, it happened again.

Another figurative fire to extinguish. Another sibling rivalry. Another child disobeying. Another angel playing football in house with an adorable stuffed penguin for the millionth time.

It’s at this moment, right now, that I see the cycle starting.

All I could do was stand there, in the midst of flying penguins and hurtful words from small mouths. I could feel the tension increasing because they weren’t listening. I kept repeating myself because they were ignoring me. Half of them think it’s funny that I repeat myself while the other half get frustrated for my blatant repetition. I could feel the anger bubbling, and I could identify the volume was rising. I was starting to get overwhelmed again.

God, what do I need right now to stop the impending doom? How do we change this moment so it doesn’t become the typical downward spiral?

I breathe. My husband graciously steps in to help. I walk away, but I hold on to my prayerful question.

The next morning, I’m quickly skimming The Road Back To You… I say quickly because I’ve already read the chapter on my number, and I’m eager to read the chapter on what I suspect is my husband’s number. But the type one in me doesn’t want to skip ahead completely; I have to go in order.

And it’s there, in the middle of the rush and hurry and the seemingly unimportant, that my eyes stop. God’s grace and mercy are poured out in this moment and I’m in awe of His faithfulness to meet me here, in the middle of this chapter. I begin to wonder if He put this word right here for me to find.

I’ve never seen or heard this word before. I have to Google it to make sure I’m pronouncing it correctly. I say it over and over until I have it down.

I love the definition from Webster…

Equanimity. The thing I need to help stop the vicious cycle from spinning in our home.

Now that I know this is what I need, and Lord knows I know why I so desperately need it, the question becomes how. How do I live with equanimity?

How in the world do I remain present amidst chaos and not lose my temper? How do I keep my cool and stay “emotionally composed and steady regardless of what’s happening around” me? How do I maintain an “evenness of mind especially under stress?” How can I be proactive and learn to apply this newfound equanimity in the middle of this beautiful mess, to help the cycle from taking us on a downward spiral? How?

God. Jesus. Holy Spirit.

The how is not found in me, but in Him – through relationship with Him.

By connecting with Him, in prayer and worship, through writing His word on my heart. By getting my eyes off my surroundings and turning to Him. By resting in His hands, and the fact that He’s on the throne and He’s in control. He sees me, He knows me, He hears me, and He cares.

This is how I picture Jesus – walking around in equanimity. Close to the Father’s heart, ready to respond to the needs of those who came to him. Certainly not emotionless or passionless, but steady and secure, no matter what was happening around him. Completely self-aware – a beloved Son, confident in his identity and calling. (What an example we have to follow!)

I don’t want to feel like an infant tossed back and forth by the waves; I want to be mature, speaking the truth in love (Ephesians 4:14-16).

I don’t want to be like the foolish man building his house on the sand. I want to hear His words and put them into practice, my foundation found in Jesus. I don’t want to be ruined by the rain or fear the rising waters; I want to stand firm despite the harsh winds – because of Jesus (Matthew 7:24-27).

I don’t want to be shaken or live in fear of bad news; I want my heart to be secure and steadfast, trusting in the Lord (Psalm 112:6-8).

I want to be rooted and established in love, on solid ground, with God. And when I stray from this place, I want to remember that it can be a quick transition back, because Jesus made a way.

I know this is a process, a lifelong journey, but I am excited to start leaning into equanimity. To keep my eyes fixed on my Father. To see the big picture, to get His perspective. To be loved – to receive His love, in that moment. Breathe it in! Then love those around me. To speak the truth in love, motivated by His unconditional, unfailing love. I don’t have to muster the strength on my own, or go into crazy mom mode, or even shut down and plug my ears and close my eyes (and heart) to the frustrations. I can pause, I can recognize my weakness, let go of control, embrace His grace, and create space for His power and strength to shine.