This blog has been in my drafts folder for at least six months. Today seemed like a good day to finish it.

I am so grateful to Shauna Niequist for teaching me this phrase: “my essential self.” I first read it in her book, Present Over Perfect, toward the end of 2017.

I see it as a sort of self-discovery, a soul-searching. Who am I really – at the core of my being? In the quiet, in the stillness, when I’m by myself?

What is my identity? When I remove all the hats I wear – daughter, wife, mother, sister, volunteer – what remains?

What do I love? Is that reflected in how I spend my time? What was I created by God to do? Am I doing it?

It’s a call to get back to the basics. The essentials. Me. My heart. My dreams. How I fit in the Body of Christ.

Yes, I’m a new creation, a born-again believer… but I trust there are some things in me that God placed in me when He knit me together in my mother’s womb. Things that are still there and they are still good. After all, I am fearfully and wonderfully made (Psalm 139:13-14).

In spite of all the excitement of returning to who I really am, the past year has felt more like an aimless wandering to find this essential self of mine.

I began with looking at my childhood… what was I like when life was simpler? When I had less responsibility? What things did I absolutely love? Sometimes it can be hard to go there, because the past can be difficult to relive. And I didn’t really know God then. I do find reassurance in the fact that He still knew me, and He was still present. So I go down memory lane for highlights and happiness, for things that made my heart beat.

To name a few…

• Don’t Worry Be Happy by Bobby McFerrin – this was my childhood theme song. We had a sweatshirt made for my Grandma with those words and a picture of my chubby face, pigtails and all. Much like the one above that my sisters recently had made for me! Interestingly enough, I did spend a lot of my childhood worried.

• Board games and card games. (With which I can be super-competitive… I love to win. I am working on being more gracious and keeping the focus on fun.)
• Puzzles! (I used to think of myself as a puzzle master.)
• Words. Definitions. Alphabetical order. Memorizing. Boggle and Upwords.
• Writing. I remember writing my first story about a cat and dog in first grade. This is where my passion for writing stories, poems, and songs started.
• Numbers. Math was my best subject, especially Algebra.
• Photography. I have always enjoyed taking pictures, especially outside.
• Music was my life as a kid. (Cue my theme song!) I remember carrying around my Walkman and my mix tape with all my favorite songs that I had recorded from the radio. I remember trying out for the 5th Grade choir, and being told I wasn’t good enough. My best friend made it and I didn’t. So from 6th grade through 11th grade, choir was always my first elective. And I loved it. (Fun fact: I took a break from choir the first semester of my senior year, and when I re-joined for second semester, I met my future husband.)

Over time the search-and-rescue came to a halt, almost as quickly as it began. My essential self found its way to the back burner, while more pressing matters held my attention and filled my hands.

But God… He’s so gracious and merciful ❤️ He will bring a book or song along at just the right time, to remind me that this matters… I matter. He provides a tool to aid in peeling back another layer. Here are some pieces to my puzzle that I’m grateful for.

First of all, His Word. The Bible is full of powerful truths and hope-filled promises, and the redemptive story of Jesus is the common thread. Psalm 119:105 says, “Your Word is a lamp to my feet and a light to my path.” His Word is an illuminating guide on this pilgrimage. It’s where I find out more about His heart and His character. It’s how I build my faith shield so I can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one. Our foundation is Scripture – He is who He says He is, and I am who He says I am.

Let it Happen by United Pursuit… Every time this song plays on Spotify, I just stop and let the words sink in. The bridge says: “So take me back, back to the beginning, when I was young, running through the fields with You.” It’s like a reset button for me.

Last October I read The Story of With by Allen Arnold. (I will never tire of recommending this book!) It came highly suggested by my best friend, and God used it to start tearing down the orphan wall I had built around my heart. I am created for the freedom realm, to live this life as a beloved daughter, on an adventure with my God.

Just this week, my thoughtful sister sent me a copy of The Road Back To You by Ian Cron & Suzanne Stabile. I had seen some things on the Enneagram and quickly figured out my number last September, but wow! This book has clearly become another part of my journey, a tool that is proving to be useful and eye-opening. I love this quote from the back cover: “Ignorance is bliss — except in self-awareness.” I wonder sometimes if we shy away from things like “self-awareness” because we think it will make us selfish or self-centered. But we have to know who we are – who God made us to be and is calling us to be!

I have a Reminder list on my phone titled “My Essential Self” so I can jot things down that I really love. A few of them may seem childish or surface-level, and they may not hold any value to my essential self. But you never know! These join my childhood list above…

• The beach, one of my happy places. The sight and sound of the waves… I could sit and watch for hours. I also love the sky – sunrises, sunsets, and everything in between.
• Running. I’ve spoken of this before, but it’s more of a love-hate relationship. I do love social running, and there’s something special about race day. Running teaches me discipline and perseverance.
• Someone told me once that I smile with my eyes. I love that. I’m not totally sure what it means, but I like to think that it means that I’m all in with my smile, eyes and all. And if I’m not, I may be faking it. 😊
• I am detail-oriented. I love having things a certain way. I don’t like change. I don’t like unplanned things. (This can cause some unhealthy reactions, but I’m growing!)
• Music is still a vital part of my life. I am a worshiper. Not a lead singer, but I have a heart of worship.
• I am an intercessor – a watchman on the walls. God spoke this over me more than a decade ago.
• I love baking and cooking. I typically stick to the recipe, but I am working on being more creative in the kitchen. Especially since two of my kids and I were diagnosed with Celiac Disease and we went gluten-free, we’ve had to make more things from scratch. And I’m not complaining. It brings me joy!
• I used to hate reading as a kid, but I grew up! I love it now. I want to have a library in my home someday. I have two bookcases full, and two half the size of children’s books for my kids.
• A couple years ago I saw the need to have an outlet for my writing, for what God was teaching me in His Word. And so this blog was birthed. My whole purpose is to encourage you with His truth and His love. I also love teaching. My heart races every time I’m in front of a crowd, but I love sharing in person what He puts on my heart.

This is by no means an exhaustive list. Maybe I’m overcomplicating it, or oversimplifying it. Either way, it’s a journey! I pray that at the end of the day, you are encouraged in your walk with Him, and inspired to connect with your essential self.